birdsonawire
  • Blog
  • Chirps
  • About
  • Contact

Adult children returning home

5/19/2009

3 Comments

 

Ann Sentilles has an interesting post on her blog, The Third Third, about the phenomenon of adult children moving back in with their parents, due to the tough economy. She's writing off a New York Times story, saying it that piece "should, probably make us all stop and think about what we're willing to do under the aegis of 'family' and what's healthy and what's not." See Caught in the Safety Net for the NYT story. Go to the blog section of The Third Third to see what Ann and her readers have to say on the subject.

Come to think of it, I was one of those bratty returnees who lived with (or off) my parents for a period of about six months, long ago. Yes, they provided a safety net, and I would never deny how grateful I was for their support. But, in my case, those few months reflected the most compassionate parenting they ever provided to either me or my brother since our birth, and luckily for me, they did it when I really, really needed it.

The week of my 30th birthday, I arrived at my parents’ home dangerously thin, battered and bruised, carrying my 20-month-old son. It wasn’t my choice to move back in with them, but I had run from a dangerous situation, had no money and no other choices. Believe me, I had already surveyed friends with spare rooms, and no one was willing to take us in. That’s what parents are for, they said.

It wasn’t easy for me to ask for help, since I had fled their home when I was 17 and married – against all their good advice – at 19. Now, here I was knocking on their door. 

At first, living with my folks was like being on a very low-budget vacation. The two of them scurried around trying to make the baby and me comfortable. They let me sleep. They bought a stroller. They showed us around the town they had just moved to, and introduced me to some of their friends. My dad built a sandbox in the back yard. My mother talked about quitting her job, so she could “help with the baby.” 

Mostly, I remember feeling somewhat horrified, like I had moved into an assistant living center and my parents were recreation directors. Thinking back, I realize they both were in their late 50s, and still very much in the workforce. At 30, you don't know much.

For the first few months, my mom and dad provided a room, food and disposable diapers with the understanding that, as soon as I had income, I would pay for my own stuff and chip into the general fund. Until then, I offered to cook and clean, do laundry, run errands, take them to and pick them up from work, and do anything else they needed. I expected them to be happy with that. They weren’t. They let me do the errands and driving, but they didn’t like my cleaning technique or the (organic) food I cooked. So, I just kept out of their hair. 

Soon after my boy and I got there, I went into high gear, knowing our days at their home were numbered. Got a haircut, driver’s license, library card, babysitter, promise of a job, all in the first 6-8 weeks. After that, we left for three months so I could finish graduate school with some money I borrowed from my dad (and paid back as soon as I began teaching the next fall). The baby and I shared a dorm room and ate in the dining hall, while I studied and worked on my master’s thesis. Then, it was back to the folks’ and the start of a full-time teaching job. 

A little over three months into that job, my mother announced it was time for us to leave. She told me this around Christmas, setting February 1 as our drop-dead moving date. I was shocked, but understood their need to regain control over their living space. Not that we were really hard on it. I had borrowed an old car from a friend, took the baby to a babysitter every day (even though my mother had quit her job to help), and made monthly contributions of almost half my paycheck to the food/shelter fund. I thought we were leaving a pretty light footprint, but I guess not. They needed their space. It was understandable. 

Until she died last year, my mother told the story over and over again about how she “almost raised” my son. After all, he lived in their house when he was a baby! 

That’s not how I remember it, but, hey, whatever floats your boat. Thanks, Mom and Dad! 


3 Comments
Antoinette
5/22/2009 06:44:31 am

Musings on Adult children.

My comments: I thought that you weren't being honest about that whole scene. And there was an undercurrent there that you still resented your Mom, who said she raised your kid. If that's what her reality of the situation is, why do you seem to belittle it? I frankly think that you were very much blessed to have somewhere to go when you ran away from that guy. Funny how we want to change our perspective of those experiences and make ourselves as independent beings when oftentimes our choices were so limited.

Reply
Jacqui
5/23/2009 07:59:14 am

Thanks for sharing that story. I too went home and left again for the same reasons as you, I saw it as a stepping stone to my independence. It was the first time in my life I had been totally responsible for myself and that transitionary time back home helped me see just how much I needed to be my own person to recover.

Reply
Karen
5/23/2009 08:28:09 am

Another piece of your life I didn\'t know about. I do remember a time in the summer of 1968 or 1969 when I had been at the B's and Dave told me you were in town, so I dropped in at your parents\' house to see you. You were very thin and unwell and declined an invitation to get together again. At the time I was disappointed, but now it all makes sense. I\'m so sorry you were not able to be open with me, and my heart aches with the burden you were carrying without any support. I salute you now for bringing the shadows out into the light of day.

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Birds on the Wires from Jarbas Agnelli on Vimeo.

    NOTE: Scroll down the page. At the bottom, click on the word Previous, to continue to another page. 


    Blogger Profile

     

    Retired reporter, writer, wife, mother, stepmother, grandmother, photographer, singer, knitter, kayaker, cook, swimmer --  not all at the same time
    songbird@birdsonawireblog.com


    Follow @phbehnken

    Blog Awards
    Honest Scrap
    Kreative Blogger

    Click here for
    Swimming as Meditation



    click here for
    Martin Luther King:
    Ordinary Acts,
    Extraordinary Courage


    click here for
    Photo Postcards


    click here for
    The Day JFK Was Shot

    click here for
    The Fall of the Berlin Wall
    series 

    Archives

    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    December 2011
    November 2011
    October 2011
    September 2011
    August 2011
    July 2011
    June 2011
    May 2011
    April 2011
    March 2011
    February 2011
    January 2011
    December 2010
    November 2010
    October 2010
    September 2010
    August 2010
    July 2010
    June 2010
    May 2010
    April 2010
    March 2010
    February 2010
    January 2010
    December 2009
    November 2009
    October 2009
    September 2009
    August 2009
    July 2009
    June 2009
    May 2009
    April 2009
    March 2009
    February 2009



    Posts

    All
    1960s Sit Ins
    2010
    2010 Photos
    911
    9/11
    A Cappella
    Adirondacks
    Advice
    Age And Beauty
    Aging
    All Things Swimming
    Amazing Stories
    American Idol
    Anne Frank
    Ann Mcneal
    Anti-intellectualism
    Archer Mayor
    Art
    Arthritis
    Audacity To Believe
    Author
    Authors
    Autumn
    Babyies
    Bastille Day
    Beach
    Bears
    Beauty
    Benefactor States
    Berlin Wall
    Bill Campbell
    Birds
    Birds' Books
    Bird Sightings
    Birthday
    Bloggers
    Blogging
    Blogs
    Blue
    Bob Dylan
    Bollywood
    Books
    Bruce Hartman
    California
    Cancer
    Cell Phones
    Change
    Chile
    Chirps
    Christmas
    Circus
    City
    Civil Rights
    Civil Rights Movement1
    Civil Rights Movement2
    Civil Rights Movement3
    Civil Rights Movement4
    Civil Rights Movement5
    Civil Rights Movement6
    Civil War
    Clips
    Coffee
    Coffee Party
    Connie Wilson
    Contraception
    Contracetion
    Daisy Mayhem
    Dance
    Darkness Cannot Drive Out Darkness
    Dartmouth Aires
    Dealing With Physicians
    Death
    Dirty Sparkle
    Disasters
    Diversity
    Divorce
    Dixie
    Domestic Violence
    Earthquake
    Elaine Magalis
    Enjoy Yourself
    Evolution
    Fair
    Fall
    Fall Of The Berlin Wall
    Family
    Fashion
    Films
    Fish
    Flood
    Flowers
    Fourth Of July
    France
    Freedom Riders
    Freedom Rides
    Friends
    Fun
    Future
    Generations
    Genetic Testing
    George Rhodes
    Getting Had
    Getting Older
    Girls
    Going Home
    Good News
    Graduation
    Grandmothers
    Great Blogs
    Growing
    Growing Older
    Guest Art
    Guestbook
    Guest Photo
    Guest Post
    Guest Posts
    Guns
    Haiti
    Happy Birthday
    Healing
    Health
    Health Care
    Health Care Reform
    Heat
    Henrietta Lacks
    Heroes
    Hip Replacement Surgery
    Home
    Honors
    Immigrants
    Immigration
    Inauguration
    Injustice Anywhere
    James Reeb
    Jour J
    Kansas
    Kayaking
    Kennedy Assassination
    Kiva
    Knitting
    Legacies
    Leigh Russell
    Like A Mighty Stream
    Looking Backward
    Loss
    Make A Career Of Humanity
    Malaria
    Map
    Maple Sugaring
    Martin Luther King
    Martin Luther King Quotations
    Martin Luther King Quotes
    Material World
    Medicare
    Meditation
    Melting Snow
    Mentoring
    Mindfulness
    Mlk Memorial
    Mlk Quotes
    Mlm Memorial
    Mother
    Mothers
    Music
    Must Reads
    Mysteries
    Nairobi Trio
    Navigation
    New England
    New England Winter
    News
    Normandy
    Occupy Wall Street
    Overriding Loyalty To Mankind
    Pain
    Pamela Chatterton-Purdy
    Panama
    Panda
    Parenting
    Paris
    Party
    Paula Dumont
    Peace
    Photo Postcards
    Photos
    Politics
    Postcards
    Poverty
    Protests
    Ptsd
    Queen Medley
    Race
    Racism
    Rain
    Rani Arbo
    Rape
    Recession
    Relationships
    Religious Bigotry
    Rihanna
    Road Signs
    Rules Of Dreaming
    Sabrina Cohen
    Sarah Palin
    Secession
    September 11
    Service Projects
    Shakespeare
    Shine On
    Shopping
    Site Map
    Sit Ins
    Skiing
    Sluts
    Snakes
    Snow
    Social Security
    Spring
    Summer
    Surgery
    Surviving The Sixties
    Survivor
    Survivors
    Survivorship
    Susan Boyle
    Swim Group
    Swimming As Meditation
    Switched At Birth
    Tea Party
    Technology
    Ted Kennedy
    The Arc Of The Moral Universe Is Long
    The Band
    The Civil War
    The Day Jfk Was Shot
    The Great Depression
    The Sixties
    Time Goes By
    Toys
    True Peace
    Turning 65
    Tweets
    Twitter
    Unions
    Vegetables
    Vermont
    Vincent Van Gogh
    Visitors
    Volunteering
    War On Women
    Water
    Weather
    Weddings
    We Shall Overcome
    Where We6444ab37d9
    Where Were From171c5aacf5
    Where We Stand
    While We Were Sleeping
    Wilmington Vt
    Winter
    Wisdom
    Women
    Women As Consumers
    Women Bloggers
    Womens Blogs
    Womens Issues
    Writing


    Blogroll

    A Little Red Hen
    Arts & Letters Daily
    Blog of Ages
    The Boomer Chronicles
    Cab Drollery
    Can It Happen Here?
    Cogitamus
    Common Weeder
    Darlene’s Hodgepodge
    Fifty Shift
    Health Matters
    Hill Country Mysteries
    Just A Song
    Kevin MD
    Late Fruit
    Mature Landscaping
    Mindful Living Network
    Montpellier Daily Photo
    Parsley’s Pics
    Really Relative
    SW Dunn
    Switched at Birth
    The Third Third
    Time Goes By
    Two Seeds on a Blog
    Weekly Wilson

    Womens Blogs - BlogCatalog Blog Directory
    Personal Blogs

    Paulah's bookshelf: read

    A Scattered LifeMurder in the MaraisA Girl Like YouThinner Thighs In Thirty YearsBy NightfallMurder in Passy

    More of Paulah's books »
    Book recommendations, book reviews, quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists


    Local Food and Local Farms

    free counters